6AM

Here is the sixth hour. I haven’t slept yet. Its one of those mornings where I refuse to look at the clock. That is a trap that triggers worse insomnia. Except right now where I am at. Here I am writing. Writing is comforting.

When I write, my inner self comes out because on the page there is no sensory overwhelm or aching body. Nor the pressure that triggers my emotional kryptonite. It’s just the symbols. The possibility of expanding in place. Folding like metal to the sword. Or infinitely folding a candy wrapper. Added meaning. Great endorphin moment. Like sitting in a hot tub looking at the night sky. In this daydream there is nobody around and I let my mind expand without fear. Nobody to disrupt the pattern of the environment.

I love people. Yet I cannot deny the stress of being around people. The world is crazy. Lives have so many layers. Who am I to judge another? It still doesn’t stop me from being imperfect. I invent stories when people don’t make sense. Then I slap my own hand mentally. Chiding myself. Go write a story instead. Or go code. Write the one dimensional line. Don’t get trapped into something that only hurts inside. How it turns out, just depends on if my body is in real pain. Like today. When my health eventually gets to the point where it flows easily, man oh man. I am a believer. Never ever again will I disrespect my own body. What happened to me wasn’t my fault. My illness drove me to such physical debt, but it doesn’t mean I won’t take responsibility. This is my life. My own sunshine. My own cloudy weather. If it don’t jive, then I will climb. And my experience has engraved the happiness and the tastiness of health. I have cooked many dishes that use natural ingredients, and I realize how blind I was. This is delicious!

Not only is healthy meals delicious they are invigorating. And I am not on some weird empty meal plan. I make foods that are in the norm. It just the foundation makes sense while the door delivery diet is the weird deviant. And I don’t do door delivery. It’s just the image I think of when thinking of the food industry. Health is beautiful. So is the food. I walk for myself. I cook for happiness. And when my body is happy, then the activities have fuel to be happy. The potential to be square. It is sincerely there.

Now my cooking is not pro or ultimately to the standard I want. I have just made some good steps. And as I lose more weight so will my ability to cook different meals.

The compound effect is very important. Investment is more than just money but a concept. A symbol that share multiple spaces.

I came here to write about code, but ultimately wrote about my stress. I have no regrets over the last few months. My steps are making progress, but the physical illness is a reminder of the prize. Something that is won and then enjoyed and very much protected. All things have their time. My health arc will take a couple of years. And maybe there will be bumps that may shorten or extend the time to recovery. That is okay because I am not looking back. I have spent the last several years exploring why I would desire this. And my heart is aligned. And my life is here to be enjoyed.

For life is imperfect. I am imperfect. I may not always choose the best foods. Maybe eat a hostess or melt chocolate chips. I haven’t ate fast food in a month, but maybe I am on a vacation trip and there is no other option. Then I come home and the habit groans and are rusted.

Having your heart aligned does not mean instant ramen. It is more like opening a can and stove top heating. Or dicing up vegetables and cooking the long game. As the vegetables are only the first step. What dedication means is the knowledge and the intimate feelings of knowing what you want. Knowing that your desires are concrete and you cannot forget why. That is the sort of drive that will blast out the doors. You will stomp in and then gently walk back. It flows in and forth. Slowly weaving in the change. Diligently. So seeking. So heartening. Because the fire is right here.

The writing is here to set. The feeling is just the effort of understanding yourself and what is real. Creative fires burn reality and then produce reality. It’s a win win natural connection. I have spent time on particular issues and some of them are finally closing. The loop being close.

Each of them are a precious resource of life. The meaning to be born. The endeavor to be shared. Connection formed when you discover skills. Remember your life is real. It may be hard, but it sure is worth heart break and let downs. Don't shut down.

For life is beautiful. In your sight there is an horizon with golden dawn. Maybe just imagined. Maybe barely forgotten. Sandy beaches are rough. The waves crest too high. Later that dawn will come on the east cost and set on the west. The journey will flow across the sky. They are all worth the dial in your eyes to mind, and the meaning across your eyes. The journey is required to met your target at the end of of the marked process. The lines upon the road are dotted. Its okay to pass at certain points. When the double lines appear it is fine to cruise and follow slowly.

Don't forget to set your speed. Do forget to put on the brakes. And let cruise control take you gently on new roads.