Stasis Clock

I got home from the blood lab. Got some test drawn in preparation for my next appointment. Returned home. Fell asleep. Now that I woke up. Its a little into the evening. Before my nap, I thought about what I wrote. Discussing with my mother about what I am learning. This helps me. It broadens my thinking and deepens everything. I got up. Booted my server and then turned on my PC. Again. I ssh into my server. I opened up my markdown project. From my discussion earlier, where my mom just sat and listen to me pretty much give a small lecture, bless her golden heart, I realized I needed to go smaller. Yes. I thought I broke my project modules down. Still. I was thinking too big. Thankfully in the world of symbols less is more. Build small potent symbols and then reuse them. A lot of times. In different contexts, situations and configurations. Assemble a certain combination create a snapshot. Then that becomes a new building block. Reuse the module heavily and in conjunction with the previo...

When working though life, you find yourself as you are. More self-awareness leads to both change and acceptance. There are constraints I must work through. They are both gravity and resistance. Some might say gravity is resistance. And it is, but I see it as a natural force. Giving possibility or signal in a noisy place. And man. I do have resistance. A while ago, I wrote about writing in a file, hit save and then open a new file and do the same problem in a different way. Through all the stress through sickness, I lost track of that. And now when my mind about fried me last night, I eventually was reminded of this. The movie "Robots" that starred Robin Williams did not miss the point about need. When there is a need, there is a place to fill with something new. Or innovate. When I found my mind going crazy because I was stuck in the chair with nerve pain and swelling combined with months of low consistency in schedule, I prayed. My mother prayed. My Dad wrapped his arms arou...

I wrote the last post this morning after going through another bout of sickness. It pained me to have work halted again. And everything felt empty. Hopeless. Desolate and despair. What was I missing? I kept on thinking of my coding two days ago. It was fulfilling in the moment. Sort of in a halfway feeling. Sort of. Sort of not. I am missing that blanket of fulfillment. Sacredness.  Valuing ones own efforts. Cherishing your memories. That is another piece I am missing. Its probably why writing here or sharing my work to the world feels good. The fact that I am broadcasting rather explicitly sharing to others makes me feel like myself. I feel part of my world. I feel like I exist. Its a reminder not to shut up. Not to hide what I am doing. This journey will take many pieces to fill up. Then eventually they will combine into key pillars. Those pillars will become the concrete in my heart. Reinforcing everything. Its safe to say I was pipen freakin mad yesterday. I can see my own time...

How many days? Since I last wrote. I lost count. To keep sacred. Is to keep my work and records sacred. Its not the highs that create the love. The sacredness of what you do. Keep it. Cherish it. And safeguard. When sickness comes, cherish your work. Keep it deep inside. Cherish is the liver and the guts. The pancreas and the kidneys. They keep sacred by feeding and separating. My work is sacred. My failures. My follies. The people who have hurt me have attacked my confidence in those things. Never let them. Your life is sacred. Your achievements. Your goals. Do not let anyone defile them. As the moon tides flow they circle around. They do matter. As well as the code you write. The writings you write. The people who don’t respect it are not worth agonizing over. It is not about being right or being better. It is about sanity. In being a human being.

A few months ago, just been barely over two months, I wrote a post about time. The insight came during a time of sicknesses and distress, and I have held on to that thought for a while. Trying to connect with what I felt with what I am learning right now. Initially I thought one way, but now am going in a branching direction. You take a raw resource and you place another element on top. This becomes something new. An alloy like in metals. The new material enhancing or alters the old. Like vanilla. Add different flavors to vanilla. Or adding colors to silver gives the colors a different hue. So while you still have the old you also have something new. Almost like a superposition that describes a different place from the original step. Time added to space makes an assortment of spaces. I am coding with time as the guiding structure of my code. By looking at my code, I can trace the history of what is written. It is a process that is dynamic. Organized by self-similar process that inherit...

Here is the sixth hour. I haven’t slept yet. Its one of those mornings where I refuse to look at the clock. That is a trap that triggers worse insomnia. Except right now where I am at. Here I am writing. Writing is comforting. When I write, my inner self comes out because on the page there is no sensory overwhelm or aching body. Nor the pressure that triggers my emotional kryptonite. It’s just the symbols. The possibility of expanding in place. Folding like metal to the sword. Or infinitely folding a candy wrapper. Added meaning. Great endorphin moment. Like sitting in a hot tub looking at the night sky. In this daydream there is nobody around and I let my mind expand without fear. Nobody to disrupt the pattern of the environment. I love people. Yet I cannot deny the stress of being around people. The world is crazy. Lives have so many layers. Who am I to judge another? It still doesn’t stop me from being imperfect. I invent stories when people don’t make sense. Then I slap my own hand...