Stasis Clock

To be authentic is never easy. To be vulnerable from and after humble beginnings. Yet your growth is personal, lean and rewarding. I have been vulnerable. I have taken time to think. I do not regret stumbling. Life is no season. Its just there. The wind gently pulling on your face. The sun rising every morning. I have made the stupidest cliche mistakes. I even saw dozens of movies showcasing, and I swore, I would never make those mistakes. Yet I did. And I might even still. Is cliche a stereotype? If I make the stupid mistake of being stupid, does that make me one dimensional? Bound to a class? No way, man. Not even close. I am growing person. Pushing the boundaries. Clipping the old so I may become something better. I embraced the symbol of the phoenix because I reinvent. Burn, revive and change. The magenta tiger is my fiery blood pumping across the ethereal side. Temporary boost biding my study of the chase. It will stop at nothing for the hunt. Through the jungle, after the prey an...

I started working on variance. This time it didn't feel like I was trying to rewrite the world. My own mindscape happily accepted the new input. Emotions, experiences and logic all mash together. This giant web that only is whispered about and faintly heard. Until the web snags and is real.  When humans go through rough time, sandpaper, rocks and crystal mineral digging in, there may be some growth. When injury happens, it may be exerted effort to greater health. Or the bones may be smashed and struck limp. Not all are permanent future scars. Trauma has a habit of painting every experience. The greatest thing I found is to rely on both prayer and to keep pushing my hand against the thin membrane. The coating that dulls the eyes. Cataracts milk white. Getting the evening tide is not elegant, nor am I faking. Cultivating a new regime takes time. It takes patience. Blatant desire to be true to what the everlasting song is. An everlasting well where joy never ends. My hope in refinemen...

I got home from the blood lab. Got some test drawn in preparation for my next appointment. Returned home. Fell asleep. Now that I woke up. Its a little into the evening. Before my nap, I thought about what I wrote. Discussing with my mother about what I am learning. This helps me. It broadens my thinking and deepens everything. I got up. Booted my server and then turned on my PC. Again. I ssh into my server. I opened up my markdown project. From my discussion earlier, where my mom just sat and listen to me pretty much give a small lecture, bless her golden heart, I realized I needed to go smaller. Yes. I thought I broke my project modules down. Still. I was thinking too big. Thankfully in the world of symbols less is more. Build small potent symbols and then reuse them. A lot of times. In different contexts, situations and configurations. Assemble a certain combination create a snapshot. Then that becomes a new building block. Reuse the module heavily and in conjunction with the previo...

When working though life, you find yourself as you are. More self-awareness leads to both change and acceptance. There are constraints I must work through. They are both gravity and resistance. Some might say gravity is resistance. And it is, but I see it as a natural force. Giving possibility or signal in a noisy place. And man. I do have resistance. A while ago, I wrote about writing in a file, hit save and then open a new file and do the same problem in a different way. Through all the stress through sickness, I lost track of that. And now when my mind about fried me last night, I eventually was reminded of this. The movie "Robots" that starred Robin Williams did not miss the point about need. When there is a need, there is a place to fill with something new. Or innovate. When I found my mind going crazy because I was stuck in the chair with nerve pain and swelling combined with months of low consistency in schedule, I prayed. My mother prayed. My Dad wrapped his arms arou...

I wrote the last post this morning after going through another bout of sickness. It pained me to have work halted again. And everything felt empty. Hopeless. Desolate and despair. What was I missing? I kept on thinking of my coding two days ago. It was fulfilling in the moment. Sort of in a halfway feeling. Sort of. Sort of not. I am missing that blanket of fulfillment. Sacredness.  Valuing ones own efforts. Cherishing your memories. That is another piece I am missing. Its probably why writing here or sharing my work to the world feels good. The fact that I am broadcasting rather explicitly sharing to others makes me feel like myself. I feel part of my world. I feel like I exist. Its a reminder not to shut up. Not to hide what I am doing. This journey will take many pieces to fill up. Then eventually they will combine into key pillars. Those pillars will become the concrete in my heart. Reinforcing everything. Its safe to say I was pipen freakin mad yesterday. I can see my own time...

How many days? Since I last wrote. I lost count. To keep sacred. Is to keep my work and records sacred. Its not the highs that create the love. The sacredness of what you do. Keep it. Cherish it. And safeguard. When sickness comes, cherish your work. Keep it deep inside. Cherish is the liver and the guts. The pancreas and the kidneys. They keep sacred by feeding and separating. My work is sacred. My failures. My follies. The people who have hurt me have attacked my confidence in those things. Never let them. Your life is sacred. Your achievements. Your goals. Do not let anyone defile them. As the moon tides flow they circle around. They do matter. As well as the code you write. The writings you write. The people who don’t respect it are not worth agonizing over. It is not about being right or being better. It is about sanity. In being a human being.