Stasis Clock

I wrote the last post this morning after going through another bout of sickness. It pained me to have work halted again. And everything felt empty. Hopeless. Desolate and despair. What was I missing? I kept on thinking of my coding two days ago. It was fulfilling in the moment. Sort of in a halfway feeling. Sort of. Sort of not. I am missing that blanket of fulfillment. Sacredness.  Valuing ones own efforts. Cherishing your memories. That is another piece I am missing. Its probably why writing here or sharing my work to the world feels good. The fact that I am broadcasting rather explicitly sharing to others makes me feel like myself. I feel part of my world. I feel like I exist. Its a reminder not to shut up. Not to hide what I am doing. This journey will take many pieces to fill up. Then eventually they will combine into key pillars. Those pillars will become the concrete in my heart. Reinforcing everything. Its safe to say I was pipen freakin mad yesterday. I can see my own time...

How many days? Since I last wrote. I lost count. To keep sacred. Is to keep my work and records sacred. Its not the highs that create the love. The sacredness of what you do. Keep it. Cherish it. And safeguard. When sickness comes, cherish your work. Keep it deep inside. Cherish is the liver and the guts. The pancreas and the kidneys. They keep sacred by feeding and separating. My work is sacred. My failures. My follies. The people who have hurt me have attacked my confidence in those things. Never let them. Your life is sacred. Your achievements. Your goals. Do not let anyone defile them. As the moon tides flow they circle around. They do matter. As well as the code you write. The writings you write. The people who don’t respect it are not worth agonizing over. It is not about being right or being better. It is about sanity. In being a human being.

A few months ago, just been barely over two months, I wrote a post about time. The insight came during a time of sicknesses and distress, and I have held on to that thought for a while. Trying to connect with what I felt with what I am learning right now. Initially I thought one way, but now am going in a branching direction. You take a raw resource and you place another element on top. This becomes something new. An alloy like in metals. The new material enhancing or alters the old. Like vanilla. Add different flavors to vanilla. Or adding colors to silver gives the colors a different hue. So while you still have the old you also have something new. Almost like a superposition that describes a different place from the original step. Time added to space makes an assortment of spaces. I am coding with time as the guiding structure of my code. By looking at my code, I can trace the history of what is written. It is a process that is dynamic. Organized by self-similar process that inherit...

Here is the sixth hour. I haven’t slept yet. Its one of those mornings where I refuse to look at the clock. That is a trap that triggers worse insomnia. Except right now where I am at. Here I am writing. Writing is comforting. When I write, my inner self comes out because on the page there is no sensory overwhelm or aching body. Nor the pressure that triggers my emotional kryptonite. It’s just the symbols. The possibility of expanding in place. Folding like metal to the sword. Or infinitely folding a candy wrapper. Added meaning. Great endorphin moment. Like sitting in a hot tub looking at the night sky. In this daydream there is nobody around and I let my mind expand without fear. Nobody to disrupt the pattern of the environment. I love people. Yet I cannot deny the stress of being around people. The world is crazy. Lives have so many layers. Who am I to judge another? It still doesn’t stop me from being imperfect. I invent stories when people don’t make sense. Then I slap my own hand...

I got into my markdown writing workflow. Learning more about literate programming itself is pending. As I believe the official process is worth learning about. So far what I am doing is great. Then I got sick again. Not a traditional cough sick, but related to my journey back to health. I went to the Hospital, then a week later saw a specialist. During this time my autistic side was going nuts because of the detour from routine. I am grateful for my parents who are supportive and caring people. They have been with me every step of the way. I am grateful for my Father in Heaven. He has heard my mother's prayers and the answers have inspired me to pray more. Soothing some of the trauma of the past. Knowing there is a time, a place. During this time where I was searching for answers for my health, I got answers to my prayers in different ways. More understanding came to my mind as often is in my life. I cannot explain why I feel contacted through feelings in tough times. And they alwa...

Upon those rocky slopes I smooth with discs of brick. The cutting edge instilling caves and depths. Inside the fern trees wood breaches the pebbles and digs little wonders. A root system finding water as the ferns reaches higher than peaks. My hands grips the hot mountain side. My breathing clear and my eyes water. At last. The heights always demanded effort. You needed a ledge to climb. A step to ascend. To transcend as your mind and heart rewind. Born anew with layers to mark the passage. Immutable images written as the writing compiles. Finally the loop succeeds. The cycle reaches forth. Time. Mark the calendar. Mark the ages. History indeed does repeat. When effort meets. Silent yet fulfilling. Heart curse burning ridge. Suffocation weight diamonds shipped to fate. Shaping corners. Symmetry among the wings. And so the feeling goes. As pieces form in my life they attract the next. Sometimes the wait is just temporary as your investment goes into yourself. Then the dawn awaits. As I ...