By Midnight

Its time. Well midnight is fast approaching. And I just did another round of coding. I love the feeling of being an agent. Making choices. Freeing. Freedom.

I did end up taking that walk. Another quick pace in the end of summer. Ha ha. A quick pace for a guy who is losing weight. And I am losing weight. Five out of seven days I walk. There has to be rest. I may have a long cooking session on my off day. Anyways the sun is beautiful in the sky. Evening gleam upon the dry grass. Little stalks of weeds, which I think is another grass type, floats by a particular bench. I have allergies, so I am not going to sit there. Its a marker though. I walk by and listen into the swaying stalks. Looking at the fuzzy bits. Trying not to sneeze but memorized by the patterns upon their spine. Repeated patterns and altered patterns to create green cells. And then the life right in front of me.

I got back home. I listened to a book while I cooked dinner. Home made enchiladas. I didn't have enough tortilla shells for a whole batch.

So six went into the glass pan. And I dumped the whole can of enchilada sauce in. Thirty-five minutes later I checked on the food baking. And sauce was oozing out and dripping. The sizzling pop at the bottom. Oops. Sorry everyone. Nobody really cared because we were eating dinner with extra sauce on top with mixed sour cream.

I have an enforced rule with sour cream. We get the tubed sour cream. For some reason the sauce doesn't over sour. And the cream is fresh. Unlike the container kind which does sour more over time. The rule is simple. Do not twist the tube! The sour cream separates. Condescension leaks into the fridge and the cream gets sour. More sour than the cream should!

No avocados in the supply this time. Bummer. Because I am also protective of the guac. I make it up for everyone. Divy it out. However what is mine I guard viscously. When I place my extras in the fridge, I hide it. Just out of sight. This will be used later. I always calculate my food. When I cook, I make extra. So there is left overs and more to chow on. Again, I separate the extras from everyone else. Probably can get away with it because I spend hours on the meals. Everyone is supportive, and I am very grateful. Homemade meals reduces the junk in my life, and my digestive system begins to relax. My mood improves and the energy in my day wants to work with me. Overall my health is connected tightly with my mind. And also my temperament. Which is a win for everyone.

Like what I wrote before. Its a give and receive relationship. We all work together. When we communicate in a manner that everyone feels safe and listened to, the whole situation improves. This is when problems are cracked at, and dialogue opens up. Goals are set. We write down tasks. And tension settles down as everyone is included in the process. Its like the round table feel. We look at each other in the eyes and know that there is respect. The desire to help and support.

Yet. It is one step at a time. No one is perfect. And misunderstanding stays that way until a process has undergone many steps. I mean nothing is cheap. We must work for it. And being human means that our perspectives are all different. And it takes a while. I come to learn to appreciate the perspective of others. Its all different symphonies. Different domains. Different ways we can connect. Different dimensions in the same space.

So once the cooking was done I just listened to an audiobook. Spent about three hours. My body ached from multiple hours of coding, two walks and cooking. Yet my mind wants to keep going. I have a powerful engine in my head, and integrating with my nervous systems is a life long journey. I have to remember to be compassionate to myself. Because often I forget. That is why it is a theme in my blog posts. I read my posts often. It helps me cope and focus my attention. They are records. Precious because they enrich and motivate me.

Finally I went back into my office. I sat for a bit and listened to my book first. A trick to help ease the pressure of acting. Its an anxiety I still have. Once my nerves started easing, I grabbed my Macbook. I have a lap desk. Something I tried when I was sick, but couldn't work sitting up. That was a real bummer. Those years in the chair really did feel like a prison. Now the lap desk is an avenue for when I am sore. I opened vscode to the same Rust project. Writing is the best.

My brain is tired from the previous code today. Its like grass mowed too many times. There needs to be cultivation and growth. Ideas need to simmer. More connections daydreamed about. Yet that is not all. There are other spots in my program. Code is an endless expanse of grass. Build a house here. Start a road there. Fly with a helicopter. Aerial skies and beautiful terrain. Find a gold mine. I am being metaphorical, but the feeling is the same. Writing symbols is very much immutable. Time is lost, and space moves at your whim. The feeling of permanence. Removing symbols but writing new ones. A cycle of yin and yang. 

Abstraction allows the program to flow together. I can move in different directions and slowly fill up the space with my intent. Laying down different records. Setting up an avenue for the network to ping in layers. The modular nature of context free symbols allows connections in different ways. Bringing all the records together. Hyper clusters that operate within the nodes. Grabbing input and turning them into records. It can be declared and written imperatively. Or the input can be grabbed at runtime. Whatever the flow, each user defined action feels like punching through the atmosphere and then integrating with the world. All interactions turning into rocks, lakes and cabins. Billboard signs posted of updates and status conditions. These things live in the same sphere. And they build rich systems when energy flows freely through the connections. Relational systems for the win.

My project is being tracked with git. I haven't posted it to Github. I am seeing where the idea goes. The project is for three-d modeling. The software takes my input and then display relational information. Helping me focus and guide my construction. I like to be imperative. Which means describing through code. I prefer to script and automate my actions. A modular flow that makes construction like lego pieces. This project is pretty much dipping my toe in. Seeing the ripples surge across the liquid. Learning with my hands. Investment in joy. The joy being a software developer.

Let's see where the creative process goes. Because I am here for the journey first, and then one last celebration at the destination. I do not hold my flow under dominance. Honestly flow is free. Dominance is hedging the water all up, and then complaining when there is no flow. There are no requirements except to dive head first. And then find the fun moments, the learning experiences and then everything that can be a resource for another go.