Removing Obstacles

3D-Printing. Software based, but requires manual intervention. What I mean is tinkering with the knobs, oiling the mechanics and testing for warped surfaces. Which is fine. I enjoy fixing problems. However, this has a intersection with my past.

Being suppressed.

I am autistic. And the way I learn is different. The way I feel is divergent. But I am capable of learning these skills.

Yet I have been denied the opportunity to learn. By those close to me. They always put me on the sidelines. I would walk up and ask to be given a chance. To reach out and tinker. Learn for myself these skills.

For some twisted reason they denied me. Nobody knew I had autism. I went my whole life thinking I was neurotypical. Yet they instinctively treated me like a scourge. Enabling other family members to take part and learn with their hands, but I was rejected. It infuriated me. I love to learn. I love to learn and earn new skills. I was told it was because I was young and others were older. False. I grew up. I matured and they treated me the same way. I am not talking about one person here. Wherever I went. The lack of skills became a wall. Denied access because of my skills. But it wasn't my fault. Nobody gave me the time to learn in the first place.

This is where anger and confusion causes pain. Resentment. Self-blame and being overly conscious. I wanted to learn how to hammer nails. Work metal. Place wood in frames. Fix a pipe. Life gave me absolute barriers. Denied access.

Then I got sick in my 20s. And I was imprisoned by my body shutting down. I couldn't act. I couldn't learn because my cells did not grow. New connections could not be made. I was desperate, ashamed and miserable.

This is where I finally let my Heavenly Father in. And through faith, I was prompted many times. His wise answers lead me forward, and I began to learn on my own. Independence from needing approval. Independence from their subconscious rejection. And today I pray. And answers eventually come. Pointing me forward.

Neurodivergence is not some scourge. It is not some plague. I just need the space to learn the rhythm. Connect the dots. And off I go. I will place my whole soul into the task. Until I collapse in the chair exhausted. Then the next day my tiger instinct will hunt the challenge again.

So yes. I felt like a tiger in a cage. Caught by the stupidity of limited views. Not allowed to be myself. Not even given the opportunity to find out for myself.

Choices have consequences, but that is how we learn. We learn by experience. There is no A and B players. There are no you didn't get it the first time, you are not a natural, so you will never succeed at this. Really? Are we truly still thinking like this?

Just because a kid misses growth opportunities. Denied a place. Or maybe that person made bad decisions and lost critical moments.

So what? So freaking what? Place your face in the muck. Swim in the swamp. Climb those hills and scrape your knees against the pivotal peak. Conquer. Fight.

Neurogenesis begins new places. Our brains are sculpted. Yes, childhood makes things easier, but this message is clear. 

Here is the message. To my current self, and to the crying tears I used to have:

Your heart will beat. The muscles upon your frame will intoxicate with oxygen. Hormones combined with the strain of stimulated effort. Your eyes will scan the horizon. And senses living in invisible connections will notify. 

Your mind is primed.

Growth is growth. What happened has already left, as they are only nightly phantoms, but do define your boundaries. Do not allow others to repeat what they casually forgot. Go after your heart. And hunt. Chase down the problem. Dig into the very steps, and tear off the solutions from calloused reality. And feast on victory. Learn your soul.

No more suppression. No more sickness. This is the beginning of my second wind. May the winds be warm and charitable.

Back to the 3D Printer. I have subconsciously believed I cannot tinker with my hands. Can I solve technical problems with hand made tools and diagnostic whims? Yes. Surely I can. And I will learn to connect it back to writing. As writing, symbols and sounds are hyper connections. And when I connect back to them, I succeed. This is how my body is built. Leaning into my own strengths. Reality is very complex, but it is written with repeating patterns. Beautiful coherence. Beautiful ringing. Woven masterfully by the Grand Designer.

Spoken across time by The Wise Voice. Called by name.

Anything is possible if it is discovered. Intelligence requires effort. Learning from the best books. Learning from the well of Light. So I will struggle. Pouring sips every day. Nourishing the frame I was given. Heart beating forever. 

Prayer is the Link to Heaven. Faith and Love the guiding principle. I have fear, but I will keep on coming back. I will keep learning.

Then the beating slows, and the unity in harmony settles. The ringing of silence as I drift with a smile. Relaxing after checkpoints and milestones. The nap sweet and assuring. I am on the right track.

In games we start at random locations. Yet the map is open to every one of us. We learn skills, overcome obstacles and learn what bridges are. Then the map is explored, refined and enjoyed. The problem has met eager history.

From yesterday. Well. Late into the night and before dawn I came across a solution. Coding has been disjointed for a long time. I only can use one half of myself.

I was born with two extremes. Intense artistic drive for meaning. And then precise senses that flow into logical structure. Quantity. Quality. Quantify. Most of my 20s were spent harmonizing the two extremes.

Great. So how can I code with artistic drive? My previous efforts didn't feel quite right. I have been denying my other half into the problem. Limited and constrained for fear of losing efficiency. I wanted to follow engineering convention. But I am neurodivergent. I am going to be divergent from the traditional road. So I had a conflict. Do I leap? Headaches would commence on that confusion. 

Software is more than just logic. It is meaning as well. It tells a story layer by layer. It claims logic, inhabits the house of binary, and then feeds diversity into foundational walls. Layer by layer. Imagination links up with rules. From 1s and 0s to the calling function of "fire_weapon()". We tell a story. Slowly. Gently. Guiding the strands and transforming them to be more human. More intelligent. Weaving the strand with other strands. A silky web. Then the net is pulled and sounds rings off of every section. Music at connected points. Notarized in their notes, and words are encoded. Ideas focused by the reality of binary limitations.

Poetry is intentionally limited. Yet it is rich. Its meaning increased by the limitations. Potency affects our lives more. Potency is the gravity pulling us in. Adding defining links. Those reaching lines turned into silk vices. Capture the meaning. Relational.

So yes. I am going to let my artistic side in. Fully like a cycle. Natural events of solar eclipse and then the shadowed lunar eclipse. Full moon transferring the process to its natural phase.

And yes. This means my code will look different. It will not be the norm, but honestly I just want to code. To invent freely, and create with zeal. This is the enjoyment I crave. If the software is compiled, and the effects are within specification, then my endeavor is a rounding success. While being myself.

Richness is not a deterrent. Richness generates metallic domains. A field of magnetism fixes the wires.

I wrote about application before. Applying what I have learned. Realizing theory, and then refining what went awry. Sway between success and failure. The constant cycle of innovation.

Moon tides, oceans swell. Meet the sand. Harness the earth. Drag back to the sea. Fishes swim in those depths. Feeding upon the kelp. Crabs make their shells. Patterns and cycles make the shells spin. Connecting waves wetting the brittle dust. Richness upon those beating shores. Out in the distance, to the horizon, is the working boatmen. Fishing for their expectant families. Enjoying the beautiful earth. Learning from our choices.