Second Winds

Yesterday

I did another recording of me designing a game level. This is an idea that is bare bones. I am slowly working on the flow. I like to experiment and learn as I go. Even if the actually journey takes longer. The video this time is about 16 minutes in length. And I feel good how it turned out.

Many, many things to learn. Both in how I record my experiences and in the developer experience itself. Sharing here makes the learning very rewarding. I get to monitor my own progress. I hit that record button and its go time. Enter the flow now. I used to overthink things all the time. With the knowledge that a camera is on my work it gets my mind in the moment. I listen to the rhythm and learn to weave in between the moments. Hearing and breathing. Working the symbols as I go. Just like I do when I write. Its incredible to look back and see each video. I can remember what I felt in every moment. And then see what my hands are doing from an outside perspective. Its a multi-dimensional experience which is the kind of thing I need. Complexity is richness for me. And I surf when waves live with the winds and my knees point towards the rising crest.

Another Recording

Then I did a second one. It was a bit of a weird recording. Disjointed and aimless. I experimented with a technique I thought of. Very rough and lacking clear direction, but that is how these things go.

When I look back at the recording, I am very proud of the idea. It will be powerful and useful once it enters the flow too. I will surf and sense much better with this arsenal of a technique. An avenue to go down many times. Until my shoes just skid forward, and the rocks flatten down. Allowing a gliding effect where I am soaring.

I have learned many self-taught adaptations. The process is very second nature. Once upon a time, the idea of me creating mental techniques and pipelines scared me. What if I fail? Shouldn't I just go down the paved path first? The heaviness of responsibility to do it right held me back. Until life became so hard that it was either Geronimo or sink. Truthfully, I leaped. Then fell. I sunk down further for a time. Yet I kept on climbing. Eventually success came. Creativity my birthright. Intelligence something that can be grown and learned. I don't believe in stagnation. The human mind is capable of learning. Redefining pathways and adapting to genetics. The world is raw, and laws universal. Yet, if I accept those laws and live in harmony, then I may build with it. Speaking words. Writing language. Laying down the bricks to form new hearts. Laying back and dreaming of open doors. The time scale was long. And I had to sacrifice many moments of temporary relief. It made my depression much more dangerous, but I just felt I needed to keep on pushing. There was something there. I just heard this call to conquer. To overcome. Using my gifts to seek the way out. I knew if I stopped then I may not get back up. So came the reckoning. I broke many times. My heart squeezed shut. Everything swelled and tighten my walk. I became a stick figure with balloons clamping down. Everything became a needle that could pop it. For some reason, reality became a twisted place where I could do nothing right. But up I went. Ideas came and went. Every iteration gave my ideas greater potency, and thereby come to eventual light.

My steadiness would soon arrive.

I spent hours watching my nervous system. Hoping maybe I could see a flicker. My mind had mental hands and I would use them to grasp with. Hours upon days led to slow progress. Eventually my nervous system came into view. It was semantic meaning. A meditation I did for huge swaths of my day.

The human mind is incredible. And imagery a powerful tool to make new connections. When I notice more details of my body, I assigned it imagery. I was literally writing a language. I used breathing, and attention, to cause the nervous system to react. I called it energy control. I learned to guide my nervous system to move in a flow. From the base to my mind at the top. Through the amygdala and into the prefrontal cortex. And then back into the base. I drew symbols into certain areas to trigger at certain intervals.

My physical sickness made my body shutdown. My muscles decayed and endorphins did not release. I felt agonizing pain every day. When I learned these symbols, and cause my nervous system to move as one, my mind stabilized and I could think coherently again. Everything felt dry, and numb. But it was a success I cherished. In my chair, where I was imprisoned by illness, I began to utilize energy control to guide my mind. And I soon could visualized ideas, write code and explore concepts.

Yet it was finite. Eventually, in every day, my mind wore out. Once the conscious flow stopped, my body went into reverse. And the slow decay resumed. I felt exhausted to do the simplest tasks. Yet my mind sharpened with this exercise. And my understanding of my own body soared. It weaved together many opportunities. Open some pathway into my own subconscious.

When the physical treatment commenced, my body woke up. The decay grew into life. My muscles expanded, and my nervous system worked on its own. So sweet the feeling! I am not dying. I am not going to suffer in a cage.

The interesting thing is that my body picked up my habits. What I tirelessly worked on grafted into automatic habits now. I benefit from the work and it takes no conscious effort. I am grateful for my prayers being answered, and my time was not wasted. I gained a lot.

Every time I think of the past, I shudder. My trauma haunts me. And I will never go back. Never. It was scary to fight like that. To wonder if the decay would end me. I had wondered if my human spirit could take the beating anymore. Every activity had a price to be paid, and nothing worked automatically. My mind had to take the brunt of the processing. It made me so sick inside.

Now. The sweet feeling of life. The ability to breathe in and out. To walk and be fine. To sit at the computer and laugh at my mistakes. The gentle reminder that people around me do care. I can connect with my love ones, and actually feel their care now. Everything was numb. Now the soaring winds carries me. I will not waste the second wind. I will glide. I will climb. And every step my own.

I am a son of God. I have divine potential. Nothing will keep me down because Heaven cares. And this trauma is the first wind. My chapters are only just swaying. The winds will carry me. And I am the sailor.