Week by Week

Everything has patterns. Yep. That includes me.

Before I couldn't have patterns. My sickness made life unpredictable. Now that I can have patterns, something I yearned for, I need to adjust to it. Like getting enough oxygen for the first time. It can be unsettling.

Having my own autism means that routine changes, even if they are what I want, takes a grace period. It gets rough for a few weeks. Then once the pattern feels real and safe, and it stabilizes, my brain stops screaming at me.

I have made a lot of changes recently. Rocket fuel here. I just ripped it all off and let the flames commenced. It burned hot for a while, but strides have been made, and I think my emotions are starting to calm.

There are many other things I want to change, but I can only handle so much. I yearn greatly for change. To improve my situation. To remove bad influences off my life. They take time, and I need to be patient. Ugh. Patience. That has been my chewing gum that is very old by now.

Where else am I going to turn, though?

There are patterns to promote change. There are patterns that keep my life ticking. And I rely on them deeply. Prayer being one of them.

I go in and out with my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Like an orbiting planet to the Sun. Moving the seasons. A pendulum that swings up and down. Overall, I have more faith than I use to. Life is difficult to quantify. No less faith.

But I love going back to prayer. I love learning to be more spiritual. I love when I become better. Its joyful to feel.

There are daily challenges that can bleed into multiple weeks. And they can lower my self-esteem. Make me feel low. I rely on loved ones. And those loved ones help me. I am very grateful for their selflessness. Their resilience when their life gets tough. We all work together here. As one family. I help them. I listen when they get excited. I put up when they get too excited. My senses are always maxed, but I come back and want to hang out. I love them. They are worth the pain and stress I feel at times. That stress making my sensory jump at the slightest hum. Or the tinkling of jewelry and chains. Those darn chains. When I hear them clank I rush for my headphones. Sometimes I ask for something to muffle the sounds.

My relationships are duality. We give and we receive. We help and we serve. We cry on their shoulders. We listen to each other when mad.

A game of communication. Because if we don't make these things rewarding they become depression. Our families are very important. Worth all the sacrifice to keep our loved ones close and around. They are mine forever. And I belong with them. They are the most important endeavor I could ever strive for.

Today I walked a bit. It was smaller this time.

I came back into the house, and like usual, got on my computer. I coded for a while. Then I wrote a blog post. Then I ate food, and went back to coding.

I am noticing patterns. A daily rhythm. And weekly one as well.

It seems my weekends, and Mondays, are exhausting for me. I tend to study in technical readings on weekends. And I also mix in fantasy book listens in there as well. Most times on Mondays, my spirit picks up. And my mood improves.

My weekly hurdle to overcome. I am not some superhero. Thank goodness. Leave those to reads or screens. Or perhaps I might write a story. But that is fun and creative work, not personal agenda.

I am going to put in my best efforts. There will always come a time where I must rest and reset. I got to remind myself of that a lot. I like to stay in motion, but my body is human. And I need to pat on my back and say good job. You did well. Now rest and recoup. Tomorrow will be interesting as well.

Hopefully tomorrow is kind. That is where faith comes in. And acceptance. Because I cannot control the world. I can't even control all my actions. Sensory issues and emotional regulation is difficult, but I control desires. I sow my intent. I act and learn.

Improvement is always the next step. Enjoyment and gratitude is now. Gratitude may be small at times because my heart bleeds out, but its possible. I may fall. I may need help.

Life is meant to be with loved ones. Our patterns intersect. And we learn and grow together.

Now. After this post. I am going to take another walk. One step at a time. I just hope the sky doesn't contain thunder claps and rain clouds. Because I'm walking.