Every beginning is the anxiety

I wrote the last post this morning after going through another bout of sickness. It pained me to have work halted again.

And everything felt empty. Hopeless. Desolate and despair. What was I missing? I kept on thinking of my coding two days ago. It was fulfilling in the moment. Sort of in a halfway feeling. Sort of. Sort of not. I am missing that blanket of fulfillment.

Sacredness. 

Valuing ones own efforts. Cherishing your memories. That is another piece I am missing. Its probably why writing here or sharing my work to the world feels good. The fact that I am broadcasting rather explicitly sharing to others makes me feel like myself. I feel part of my world. I feel like I exist. Its a reminder not to shut up. Not to hide what I am doing. This journey will take many pieces to fill up. Then eventually they will combine into key pillars. Those pillars will become the concrete in my heart. Reinforcing everything. Its safe to say I was pipen freakin mad yesterday. I can see my own timeline and I feel injured. Honestly that stings. My sense of self had been panting, breathing heavy and exhausted. Which is really why I like coding and at its core writing. Words do not fade. They do not become old and they hold infinite potential. I am here to write. I am me. If tomorrow I am sick, then please hold on. Because tomorrow or soon I will pick up the pen and continue where I left off. And eventually finish my work.

I am going to share what I coded. I wrote in Rust, and the code does not compile.

I can see already the mistakes and where the compiler will find errors.

Panel.rs is the file that I was working towards for my markdown project. I am working on extracting data from markdown and being to able to interact with it. I am like the puppy who keeps on running into everything. So long I have waited for good enough health, and now that I am seeing days where I can code, all that reading and watching videos over the years suddenly faces my own intuition and thoughts. Its going to be rough until my skills get on par with everything.

The day before I coded panel.rs, I sketched in my iPad. Drawing symbols and what the API may look like. Then a couple of days ago, I ssh into my Debian server and opened up the helix editor. Writing code. As I wrote, my anxiety kicked up and I wrote comments in my code as notes to help my thinking stabilize and encourage my thoughts to move into a flow. Like music. I am that musician that has a guitar and is syncing with the band. My whole mind is a band, but the leader who executes the action needs to sync up in a beat. Those comments that I wrote over the session is helping me stay in the beat. Those comments were more personal to me so I removed them or omit them in what I am showing you here.

The idea behind panel.rs is to have an array or vector of panels that are dynamically typed. In Rust, that means using, for example, Box::<> to use duck typing as I wrap dynamically with traits. Then behind those traits is a multi dimensional hash array. Where every hash is a key to find data. I want to set up a spatial array to connect multiple concepts together. When you filter the panels, I can search the data using dimensions and hash keys. Will it work? I don't know.

The calming of the anxiety is changing to excitement. Focus your intent in enjoying the process rather than worrying about the future. I got this wisdom from a book in gamification by Jane McGonigal. Very good book on learning about not taking everything too seriously. Or how games are very good mediums to explore the world creatively. Finding fulfillment in a journey of your own making. I am a very deep thinker, so learning to adopt more fun based thinking helps balance out that strength. My goal is to enjoy and have fun. So why be so gloom? And... doom.

The second file is config.rs. I wrote this one in my iPad. I am practicing here in establishing my rhythm. Where I encode first then implement. Or API then graph. Then move back to API. So config.rs is not really progress, in a literal sense, for my markdown project, but rather refining the movements or the dance I do to keep the anxiety down and opening up. Let the flow be happen.

Let yourself be you. No need to freak out. This is fun. I am not forcing 'fun'. Rather the anxiety wraps around my fun and strangles it. I can feel the pleasure and fulfillment, but the all encompassing numbness threatens to mask the moment. Draining all color and vitality. These dance steps and rhythms helps loosen up the subjection and frees the spirit to express. I am expressing my enjoyment. Practice, practice, practice. It will all work out.

I love markdown. I write everything in markdown. Creating my own software for markdown is appending that enjoyment with another tool. This tool is another connection to my writing and to make my writing like objects I can change and view. Let's see how it plays out. For here. For today.

I will continue to broadcast my work on my blog. Despite showcasing my imperfections or dead ends, expression through broadcasting to the world is my efforts in keeping my work sacred. Meaning it matters because I wrote it. I lived. I struggled. And I grew.