Harsh

I am getting close to releasing my frustration here. The tightness I feel in my body is slowly releasing. I feel better.

Here I am writing one of the last post on this particular timeline in my life. To all those who may read. If any are reading.

Let me make one thing clear. I care a lot.

The people I walked around and followed in High School. They were the ones on my minds. To receive such cold treatment hurts.

Whenever I heard something miserable happening in their life, I come home from school and cried. I wanted to help. I wanted to show support. I wanted to be there and be a friend. Yet I was judged on how well I followed social expectations. They did not know how much I cared. 

If there was anything close to love that an immature teenager could have, I loved the people around me. Not just the crushes I developed, or people I chased, but anyone I considered my dear friend. 

I noticed every time someone was grumpy. When they acted different. Or when they acted out of character. I was pushed away. I was considered a lot of things I was not.

Then there was this one guy. Never were friends. I like who he is. I thought he was funny, spunky and had style. He could get on a stage and DJ. When he chose to, he made anyone feel warmed and welcomed.

I remember one time he defended me from another guy from being cruel. We were out on the street walking. I was so anxious being in the group, and I had delay in the conversation. The other guy was about to chew me out from continuing a line of thought that the group moved past from. And the guy I am talking about stopped the other young dude. Shocked me. I really appreciated it. Made my day. I felt a little less weird.

Because honestly the guy who defended me didn't like me that much.

One time we were at a camp out. Sitting at the fire and chatting. I didn't chat much because I couldn't keep up with any group conversation. Too fast too quick for me to process and consider. In that moment, the guy started singing a hymn. There was no deceit. No front to look through. He made a open plain decision. I know. One of things I am really good at is picking up on moods. 

Even if I often don't know how to comply with social expectations. 

He really was trying to do the right thing. I highly appreciated it. When I saw the genuine peace and love he wanted to bring into the group, my respect of him grew. And just because he did that only one time did not lower my opinion of him in the future.

Here is the thing about me. When I see goodness in people, I never forget. I never ‘unsee’ it. All I care about is who they may be. Or who they are inside but hide behind a persona and mask. 

I discovered back then that this guy had a rich inner world. There was so much pain. So much sorrow. I could sense it. I became uncomfortable because I was afraid of aggravating that pain. I became rigid and defensive because I constantly heard those sounds flowing from him. And I was trying to blend in and not draw attention to myself. I think he picked up on my uncomfortable body language and misinterpret what I was feeling.

Then there was that time there were six guys in the same room. We were visiting another person who could not move out of bed. The group decided to watch a comedian film.

I don't like comedy acts simply because of my social lag. There is so much social context that goes into jokes, and by the time I process the joke, the act has already gone in several minutes. So the whole group may laugh and I am the only one not laughing.

I am really sad about this. I want to join in any group activity. Be part of the group. Autism is tough when you have extreme amounts of care for people. You get lonely and honestly become an outcast. People don't understand what it is like to struggle with huge weights just to get in the door and be accepted.

They go up the trail and leave you behind. When you limp up the trail, finally finding home. They are done sitting laughing and enjoying the break.

As soon as you catch up, and move to dive into and enjoy the company. They get up and leave. Leaving yourself to sit in the dust. You are stuck forever trailing behind.

The guy I am referring to looked at me with confusion.

"Why are you not laughing?"

He look disturbed. Like as if I was doing it on purpose. Like as if I thought myself above the group. Maybe I didn't fully understand his emotions, but his sounds were troubled and that made me clinch up. I locked up and was unable to respond.

What was I going to say? That I thought it wasn't funny? Funny wasn't word. How could I decide if it was humorous if everything spin and moved so quickly?

My senses got too overwhelm, and I struggled to understand what he was feeling. I could hear sounds broadcasting from him, but they needed context. 

I'm glad that I can remember memories so well. The timeline ability is a tool for me to cope. Because I can piece all the information together with sounds later. And then finally understand them. Sometimes it takes learning about someone to piece sounds together and match them. That is really when I can tune into someone and know instantly what they are feeling.

With my family, I often know what their state of mind is before they do. I can predict when someone is going to do something several minutes ahead. For most of my life, my family dismissed my pattern recognition and high sense of time. However, as I continually noticed invisible things, my gift started showing strength, they began to accept my judgment in certain areas of life. Including human behavior.

When I am dealing with moment by moment interaction, I am terrible. Completely, honestly and hopelessly blind. 

I struggle to keep eye contact because its too much. Yet overtime, I will pick up and sense invisible things about a person. I have always been in tune with this. 

This is due to my synesthesia grabbing information and turning it all into sound that my mind immerses in. 

Part of my day is working and sorting out my past because I hate having several movies being played at once. I can't think. Its too much noise with all the sounds grabbing my attention and burning away my focus.

I react with information from the past as if they happened yesterday. 

Even a few moments ago. 

Most people don't remember to tie their shoe. This difference changes the severity of events. What I attribute as hurtful others will dismiss. I love patterns. I love consistency. I remember when people go back on their word.

There was this man. He drove me nuts. I did not like him, but was required to pretend to like him.

One time, during Halloween, at trunk or treat party, I told him about my work. And I admitted to him it probably wasn't a real job. Then he made a comment in a cold manner. I noticed. He noticed that I noticed. I literally saw in slow motion his eyes shift like a bloodthirsty shark. Forcing a smile and controlling his expression. Eyes dilating and flexing. So subtle. Most people would ignore and not even see. Bringing unawareness.

I didn't miss the change. Because I can rewind time and see facial expression blow by blow. I know when something isn't right. My mind is wired for patterns.

Then fast forward in time to a friend's wedding. I talked with this man. Because again...

I chose to forcefully like him. 

For that is what I was raised to do. Being kind when I don't like someone was instilled in me at a young age. 

Too excessively to be honest. Suffocating and stressful. I struggled in putting up boundaries so people may learn to respect me. Like my social immune system did not work because of how I was dismissed and raised and viewed.

With the wedding white, the cheer high and celebration filled with hope. His eyes continued to shift, his face dripping then sweat rolling down his scalp. His own hands shaking. He acted jittery. His teeth out as he tried to be amenable to me and act like we are buddies. 

As much as a young man and middle age man could be buddies.

Maybe he wasn't truly sweating buckets like I very intensely noticed. Maybe only a little sweat trickled down his face. Yet because of how intense my world is, I zeroed and landed into the off-ness. The twitches upon his lips, and his eyes looking like a scared horse.

Ready to bolt. Yes. That is what I felt. He looked ready to get out the wedding.

As soon as possible. 

I felt inside like he was afraid somebody would pop up and notice him. The sounds felt intensely sick and ill to me, and my gut twisted and tightened. My heart started pounding with sympathetic fright. 

I am scared when I mirror people. I experience emotions not my own. So disorienting. Very confusing to have two feelings instead of one. I wish I could turn off my sound sense at will. 

Find center and balance. And care when it is appropriate. In either case, the patterns did not line up with what I saw. 

And that made me very confused and jittery myself. My mind instantly took a snapshot of the time. And I reviewed the moment very crazily and obsessively for a few months after. 

Before I finally gave up on trying to understand what was going on. I know my mind isn't normal. I have come to accept my mind. Its my life.

I personally have criticized people because I thought we lived in the same world, but perception causes reality to be experienced quite differently. People feel different because their past fades quite rapidly. Only a few things stay with them. Or select key moments.

For me, everything stays. Everything is important. All details are sharp and broadcasting. As I grown to accept and love myself, I begin to place my own boundaries, Because I assert my own self respect and value, I notice others better. I accept that what I remember is very important.

Sometimes my acute memory is justified. Other times it is blown out of proportion. I don't like it when people view my memory as All wrong.

Sounds like a cop out. Trying to escape any accountability. Or change. 

My sound sense and timeline has a place in this world. It is not a disease or pandemic. It just needs discipline and compassion. It needs growth as I develop my world. Becoming a better man that can contribute with my unique gifts.

My efforts often help with long term communication issues. By always bringing toxic behavior to light, my family uncovers tensions in relationships because I see what is happening in a raw unfiltered way, and not what people want me to see. 

They know I care deeply about everyone. 

They know that my mind is high detail, and they don't get offended when I am upset over little things. 

They know that I am trying my best. They know that I bring my own humility. 

And I am fully aware of my tendencies. My family listens to me. 

From time to time, they will learn new things about themselves that they never noticed before. That I might discover. 

This is how I contribute in small ways. By helping out with my invisible world that is part of the regular flow of life.

Its why software development is a good outlet. And writing my heart out is good for me.

Everyone has their own life. Their own wants. They own the beautiful identities within their beings. They have their own unique style of life, without us needing to control or go completely crazy over them. 

My high empathy, obsessive timeline ability and my sound sense, places me with odds with certain types of people.

Typically those who don't want to be noticed, or cared for, but just want to be in tight social groups. Where they feel safe. Where they feel close and connected. Any separation causes panic. Causing feelings of loss. This is their world, and no amount of my attention will likely be accepted.

I am okay with this. I accept that people don't want my help. I respect this because: 

I want to be respected, and I will extend the same courtesy. 

Love and compassion is a mirror. Anger and violence is a mirror. Human behavior causes human behavior. And if I want to change. I need to begin here. With me first.

I will move forward. No matter how damaging or messed up life becomes. The past is our history. The journey we are walking with. The defining moments are the terrible things that happen to us. 

Bitter. Learn to prize the good. Look for self betterment. Then store it as a monument. Every ash that burns causes a new history. A new era. Someone is reforged and reborn. Someone more wise, and stronger for it.