Headway

The simplicity of life is that we realize the complexities of man. What we add to it, and when we gain intelligence it becomes simple. Often times the process mean a destruction of sort. Destabilizing as we move forward from one form to another stance. Its painful. Rewarding for when you reach it through. Because good change feels right, and you have claimed a slice of heaven. Meaning you have become something better than not.

Good people suffer.

Good people make bad decisions.

Good people don't understand other people. Because our souls may be bright, but our outlook is imperfect. We can be pain points for other souls simply because of one thing.

We don't see people as people. 

I experienced that from others. They treat me as a true or be gone situation. Either I get it or I don't. Either I fulfill their desires or not. Either I am an accessory to their narrative, or validate their existence, or some other vain outlook.

I am a person. I have a soul. I can feel pain. I can be robbed of feeling self-worth when people look at me with sneers or mock me or laugh at me. I have witnessed people discuss and gossip about others. Make fun of them. Even good people I know. Which tells me one thing.

They are talking about me too. People will talk.

The pattern is set.

Unless they change, I will be, from time to time, the butt of their shallow joke. The laughing stock of some sort weird view. As an autistic, I stumble a lot in my life. 

The social views, the depressing missions they place on us. The expectation to be shallow. Yeah. None of it is real. None of it worth anything, except crap.

Everyone has styles, preferences. Its undeniable we are all different.

What I am saying is people will be toxic. 

They take their preferences and place a signal on someone. Then they gather people and mock them. Its sad. Because people are inherently, and never will lose this, valuable. No matter if justice hangs over someone their value is in the person. And it never dies because they turn bad.

Justice is about protecting. About preserving. About regulating life. So life may be sweet.

I do not feel kindly towards people who do evil things. I am against hurting people in any simple ways or outlandish means. Through abuse or any other means of defame or shut downs.

Or venom. Bites meant for a planned target. I do not take kindly to sexism. I do not fan over people stereotyping people base on class or status. 

I do not like people lording their group over others to the point where they can only see their own views and points.

Empathy, love and kindness is selective to being a right down poison. A sickly flower with bitter thorns. Bitter ties. Bitter actions. In saying all of this, I have finished my course.

And I will take up that next step. 

All the actions in the past, no matter if they hurt or not, have been pushed through. I refuse to take part in hatred. I refuse to let anger rule over me. All I care about is finding compassion. Pain is meant to be felt. Its meant to be shared with someone who cares, and we trust them enough to open up.

Pain is isolating because of the isolated personal experience. Pain is normal. Pain is part of life.

Its okay to be angry. Normal is always normal. This is how we grow. 

Its okay to step away from someone because they have hurt you. Its okay to not feel good with people. 

This is also being human. We can feel hurt and not be afraid of being wrong. Because pain is valid.

We can be better, and full of joy and light. We can feel the full meaning of having an identity.

I do not feel good towards certain people. This may never change. 

I am okay with being short of reaching complete evolution. There are layers to life. 

Layers that are felt at the same time simultaneously. One layer is the distrust and sort of inevitable judgment and bias. The other layer we must clearly be inside is understanding that life is full of shit. 

We scarcely realize how much hurt we inflict on others. In realizing we are part of this mess, we can be compassionate, and not let grudges tears us down to our own fallen natures. 

We can step on a road to recovery. We can be so much more. So much full of light and cleanliness. We can be ourselves and still do what is right.

I found both acceptance and desire to be better. I have experienced what life is when you go from rock bottom and climb the first moment. Claim it. Gather it. Be it. I know that life is terrible. Safety is that one bubble that can pop any moment. Security is gone. Knowledge is illusion. As conscious screams at itself and demands everything to be torn down. Everything is muck then light ashes. Flown in the air and hits your nose. You sneeze.

Be gone. When you have faith the world revolves around a Higher Being. A Higher place. Then you know that anything that happens may ultimately stand and will be seen as for a reason. 

For you to find peace. For you to stand tall. For you to find what joy is. It can be found. Joy that is.

The sounds of freedom. Freedom from numbness and from eternal nightmares. Freedom from half truths and broken characters. As we experience breaking, there is hope.

Always.