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You know.

Its been a season. A real intense season. From November to April, and perhaps much more to manage, is pain. Pain of heart. Pain of soul. Inflamed by my physical health.

When a inflamed nervous system forces the issue, you need to deal with the problem when you are in a chair. Nerves burning flaming travel right past your mind into you heart and down to your feet. Your gut hurting, your sinuses inflamed and sleepless nights are barely changing. I am sleeping better. For common decent life, I worked for better. And I will continue to burn. Burn static sparks. As I fix myself while I am suffocating. Down into the bay. Salt seething. Salt soothing. Salt purifying. I remove all the sea and drag down the rings slowly and gritting my heart. Press forward. No attack. Do not attack. Do not attack.

Angry is terrible. Anger is wrong. Anger hurts. I can disagree without anger. I can cut off without judgment. I can move forward without slander. I can be reasonable and rational because pain is valid without our comparison to others. 

Each is their own. Their pain is absolutely real. Their pain is hurting without any pending judgment. I will never know why. I may never comprehend. Yet I will not extend my claws, and save those blades for my creative endeavors. Where my gifts may shine.

And simply glow.

Breaking down the unknown where it counts. 

Breaking down problems where help extends. 

Joy is a beacon from the origin. 

Our loving hearts are beautiful. Love opens up the blue sky. Love is not just spring. Its the fall with fire warming the rocks. Warming our atmosphere. Sweaters, coats and sweat while we labor. In every season there is hope. 

And warmth. I believe in greater hope.

My search never ends. I search more. A endless plight. The two meanings next to each other. I love learning, and I am required to search to survive. If I stop, the drifting starts. Like a river that claims me, so I must climb. Sometimes the survival instincts swallow it all. Like a chomp. Close fast the breath taking shadows as the mountains are before me. As I climb, as I wish, as I shadow my own mountain, I break the dawn and upon the greatest peak I have ever known. I am too weak. I too am vulnerable. I face a confusing world where voices love their own expectations. Their own ambitions. Facing these people I am at odds. They are like the frozen airscape. Shallow thinking. Shallow world. Shallow ambition. Forever in their own heads. Poison. I reject their expectations.

I am a single man. One man. One man who faces extreme pain. One man who wants to do all he can to be good. 

I will never seek out their expectations. Their poison is not what I want.

I know there so much better out there. A simple world where finite is not a crime. Compassion. Compassionate glow. Stars above. They witness something better. Rotating in cycles around a cluster. Around a greater star. One another until you witness a thousand years. These journeys are climbs for us. 

Until seventy times seven.

I will never give up.

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