The eyes that never shut

I am going to be honest here. I was writing another post, and I got up, used the bathroom, stretched and then sat back down. My neck tighten and body began to ache. Then I lost my train of thought, and then promptly saved it into a file and started over. I know the post is incomplete, but it didn't feel right anymore. As I reread and couldn't feel the flow.

Acceptance. That is hard to know. Hard to understand. Hard to feel. Hard to feel it all. As the masses of this world press down. Incomplete, body language, fury, insecurity and the rage of years of being bound. I will never stop. I am that person who goes for it anyways because sitting still is not me at all. I am a person who chase after what I want. Even if disorientation is a thing. Even if my body is feeble and confusion overtakes. I will get up and try over. Rehearse. Refine. Redo. Fear is the reality of the world being much denser. Much greater than any wave of the sea. I cannot crest every attack. I cannot endure everything. Not much less know everything or understand the greatest treasure in this world.

I am going to share a song here. "Endeavour" by Stellardrone in the ablum "Echoes".

This song speaks to me. As the comprehending wave. A refinement about myself. The song evokes a symbol in me. Represent a feeling I have learned about myself. The side of the Phoenix. The heart beat that picks back up and redefine itself. The fire that is gentle, weak, yet secure. As it reaches up for the stars. Deep from the depths of the sea. I wait. For a greater power to meet me, and say, "It is time. Well done, son."

I know that everything I ever have is solidly built upon the shoulders of giants. Both mortal and the greater shoulders of the Immortal. The one who created the world. The one who descended below. Look at the raging beach. The sand dunes. The sands that whistles and hits all the vaporized rocks.

I am a child learning who he is. I am that person who sits at the thirties, and I am beginning to say, "It has just begun. My life has just begun." Then promptly fall on my face as the sea slams again. Both healths. Both moons. Even, regular furious cycles. Both mental and physical. I am a man. I am here to stay.

Let's talk patterns.

Yes. Patterns are real. They are in everything. They are inside more than they are outside. Both in nature and in steel. Why be afraid of my own skin?

ABAB

Let's look at this pattern. A repeating string of "A" and "B".

What can you do with this sequence?

Look. This post is going to be scattered. Fair warning.

I have a terrifying panic of the future. Any thought of the next immediately causes a rise of heart rate. Even in games, which are fun, even visiting fun places, even around people I love. Any energy that speaks future causes a crippling anxiety to spike. And I that wave slams again. Because the world is filled with the future. Our society is goal driven.

Yet I have been given a lot of gifts over time. A lot rhythm based, intense pattern recognition. I can look at bird during my daily walks, close my eyes, and turn the blurry passing into slow motion. See the individual flaps. See the dips and moves. Sometimes even the expression in its beak. I snapshot rapidly. It is triggered based. Emotional triggers that captures what I feel and sense. I can rewind time and see what I missed when I was younger simply by viewing my even my periphal vision or what was behind the subject of my focus. 

It doesn't mean I remember everything as there is a lot I do not know. I do not remember what I haven't snap shot. And my minds snaps irregularly when I am stressed so the images are scattered and difficult to pin down. Once I do reassemble the images. A window into the past manifest and I am swept back to the moment.

I have learned some aspects of this trigger, and I can cause the trigger to occur when I choose to. Just listening into the sounds of my world of sound and focusing in a certain way causes the snapshot to begin. Stopping the snapshot is still troublesome but doable. And I have learned how to control and guide the snapshot process while it occurs so I do not need to reassemble the data. Using symbols. Rhythm and language.

Yet there is so much more to learn about myself. More things to unlock. This is important to discuss because it relates back to "AbAb"

When I work, I inadvertently cause snapshot to occur. Like crystal assembling. Then the next day I work. More snapshots. Then the next and the next. Until finally its too much.

My mind rolls back the time and I am getting in too many details. Here is the important detail. Its both linear and non linear. Meaning I both go back in time, and I jump between time. Like little links between data points. As I look at my code, for instance, and I will start remembering some changes I made. Then more changes. Then another set. My heart speeds up. My mind starts accelerating. Until I can't even think straight or look at my goal.

Not to mention I am rebuilding my health. When stress occurs massive pain spikes hit me. As I get stronger, the stress hurts and influences my rhythm less in small amount of degrees. Yet even when I am fully recovered, this mechanism will still be detrimental to my purpose. So I am working on both ends here. Its a lot of work. When I hit small milestones I feel relief when I wake up.

My personal assurance of having the skill in hand is rewarding. Then I move onto the next step and figure out more pieces. 

Every day I continue to study and seek guidance through my faith. As I am not alone here, nor am I the one really guiding it all. I just do my best to be observant and ready to act on any detail that is meaningful or I am prompted or guided to take.

I am so used to this unknown. Its part of me now. Yet the future is rife with unknowns. Different unknowns. And I must face my inner demons and continue to wrestle with despair. As my inner world shakes, my eyes dilate, and I hone on the chase. 

The chase, or simply the point of reference of my efforts, helps anchor me when change is needed. I am a little sheepish. A little bitter that I work well when there is a carrot dangled in front of me. Where the chase is all that matters. Hyperfocus.

This carrot is also the most harmful. If I chase after something, and find out it is meaningless, or fake, it slams me down. In that respect, I am careful. When I write, it helps me gather my thoughts and weed out designs that could potentially harm. I cannot predict the outcome. Principles. Good standards. And learning from experience is what guides my heart. Along with prayer.

I keep on referencing this "AbAb" I assure you I am getting there. A little background is needed to explain what I mean. Or skimming might work. I do this to my own writing as well. Whatever. It is what it is. I have this disability that connects with the future, a weakness to pressure and autism that pushes me to absolute thinking style. Which I leverage with the "ABAB" pattern.

If I cannot look at the future without anxiety, I can place the future into containers. Into patterns. Into symbols.

Tell me. When you walk outside in your neighborhood? What are two actions you might take? Honestly you could answer this in many ways, but I will supply this answer.

Turn or walk straight. A = "Walk straight", B = "Turn".

So if I am feeling anxious about walking, I can focus on encoding a pattern. Like a map. One that is updated dynamically, in the moment. I keep the cycle going.

A, I am walking straight. B, I am turning left. A I am walking straight. B I am turning left. A, I am turning around. B, I am turning left again. On and on. This pattern is all I need to face the future of walking.

This pattern becomes a language with two words. Two words that can mean a variety of things.

I have another pattern I use. Circle, line, Triangle. This is a game I play.

I draw in circle in my mind. Then I draw line. Then I draw triangle. Then repeat. Except I see how many different possibilities I can use with this repeating time based pattern.

I may draw a circle, split in half with a line, then draw triangle.

Or, I may draw a circle, draw lines, then use the triangle as a pencil and draw whatever line I want with the pen shaped triangle.

Or I draw a circle, draw line, then prop up that line with a triangle. Then have the circle roll up the ramp and roll back.

Another curious example is this one. I draw a circle. I point a line at the circle and create depth to the circle and it becomes a sphere. The line points the direction I see the depth of the sphere. Then the triangle zooms in to have an interaction between camera and depth of field. 

This is both representation and patterns together. I use the pattern as language, and use it as words in a written language to guide my mind.

This approach is how I see my projects as well. Because now I can create a schedule. One that is dynamically generated on the fly, yet still guides me where I want to go.

I listed some projects here before. I will create a repeating pattern here.

Genealogy, 3d modeling, writing

It becomes a schedule that demands no time, but a point of reference. If I code my genealogy project, I can stay on my step as long as I want. Then rest as long as required knowing what next step I will do. Until I hit writing and repeat a cycle.

This organizes everything. So when I rewind it is clean and organized. And I do not get overwhelmed. Yet it does not box me in to a narrow view or keeps me from evolving into something greater. As the patterns are just patterns. Not laws.

With patterns, I can truly do things immutable. For example, I mention I will remember every change and get overwhelmed. Through prayers I was lead to learn this about myself. If I clone the working document, or redo the whole thing, my mind will see separation and will be organized when it follows links in time. Jumping between moments. 

Whatever I do, and I leave my work for a time, the work freezes, and I cannot change it. It is there as it is. With patterns, this is no more a defining limitation. It becomes part of me and my work. Because I can organize how they freeze and know how to space and order them together. So the complex may occur. 

Its called separating concerns.

When I write code, I use software called git to commit the code. Freeze it into a history and write a message about what I did. This causes a snapshot for both me and the code repository itself. Its a known trigger. A known instance of dynamic motion.

Except here is my next understanding. I learned this about five days ago, while the other stuff I have been doing for a few weeks starting at the middle of march.

Whatever I snapshot, I cannot extract the details. I will see the bird flying, yet I will see the trees behind and the branch it flew off of. The sky. And the sun. How do I separate the details? Language.

If I write and rewind the time over and over, and just use patterns and language to write the wings, then when I read what I wrote new snapshots will occur. And I follow the snapshots in writing and the image of the wings itself will only show up and be seperated. Basically I am extracting here through patterns. Encoding them, then reading my work, and my mind clones the bird and saves only the wings.

When I git commit my code, I will remember the code itself. Not the intention. Or the design in mind. So I have a log, or journal, where I add entries of my thoughts and keep everything as is, and I do not change previous thoughts, but just accumulate my own intentions. Then I can rewind my code separately from my design.

Center to all of this is language. Language, patterns, symbols. Organizing them. Then utilizing them to represent words and meaning.

Then a few days ago, I started learning about abstract algebra. I was ecstatic. It felt familiar and comfortable. Sets and groups. And I have only learned just a few lessons about the particular math. They have become very important to me. As I begin to understand that math is extremely important to language and code. To creating what I want to create.

I started learning about theorems. And what they mean in combination with groups and sets and operators. And further down the horizon is Category theory. Which is about relating objects through relationships. Or concepts or ideas or meaning.