Clear

I am a social person.

No. Not in the traditional in sense. I phrased it that way because I am a person who likes people. I believe in people in a wide view. There is evil in this world. I have met evil people from every sample of my time. I also have known good people but have missed them because my world was painted with pain. I believe in connection.

When its clear, when your pain has been sorted, it feels good. I feel good. I know that there is always darkness. My anger will never go away. I just have a different relationship with people. They may be cruel. They may be spiteful. One day I may see these people in their full spectrum. Wholesome yet imperfect. Today can be lived without perfection.

The anger has cleared to the point on a blue sunny day where there is snow out. The sun is bright, the blues deep high above. Silent, clear and beautiful.

When an empathetic person meets Synesthesia, Adhd, Autism, OCD. I have a sound sense, I have time constantly in my brain, where time is motion. I feel time like kinetics. And possibly, I am weirdly am a empath. All of this is bound for discovery. To be sorted as I learn more of myself. I have thought a lot about what it means to have high amounts of mirror neurons in my brain and the interactions with Autism and ADHD. It means I will feel from people, but not understand them right away. The mirror neurons are repurposed into something else.

When I hear sound, like someone chopping vegetables, I will be in my chair facing away. Yet I will feel like my arm is chopping, feel the texture of the vegetable, the effort in my muscles. I will feel the breathing patterns. I will listen and hear their breathing. I will hear their sighs and feel their complex emotions while cooking.

What does this mean? Is it real?

I don't know honestly. I know what I experience is real, but what my mind is sensing could be virtually using the combination of mirroring and my other senses?

Or perhaps its an combination of a real and personal subjective interpretation?

My mother likes to hum. When she hums, I can feel humming without humming, I can feel her thoughts move. I can feel this sense of contemplation and daydreaming. I get uncomfortable because it affects my mood to mirror her mood. So I place my headphones on my head, or we work out a system where we are both comfortable.

Objects are real to me as well. Not in emotion, but in sensation. I will look at jewelry, metal, wood, and I will feel texture, weight and structure. When I see, for example, cars I see them as unique objects all with their own identity and experience. So when I look into sound, my sound and mirroring pulls up these objects uniquely.

Uniquely overwhelmed. One object gets pulled up then another.

Think of those shows where the magician pulls up objects to do his bidding. Brooms, mops, dusters, cooking.

It starts out slow. I listen into the sound. A memory gets pulled. Then that memory has an array of other memories. So I pull up another memory. Then another. So my brain gathers more memories and they gather memories then their children gather memories. Soon I am seeing all sorts of details and my brain cannot stop. It all explodes. Then meltdown. This happens to me when I am stressed or have work on something for too long.

When I mean work on something too long, I am being literal here. I will work on one problem for days on end, sorting, conducting, assembling details. Guiding them together into swirls of cycles. My spirit gets engaged and thrilled, but my brain is glitching and tiring out from the sustained effort. Then my brain just stops guiding and my swirl, the whirlpool I kept in check, goes absolutely crazy on me. Then a hurricane brews and it hits me hard.

Redo. Retry. I have gained tremendous amount of detail controlled. Over my mind, nervous system, everything.

I had to. No medication ever works. All of it backfires on me. Or drugs me. Or creates a personality change. Steroids from hospitals are last resort because they instead of a few days, last a whole month from one dose. I drink one little sip of caffeine in the morning, and I am bouncing all night and the next day. I take relaxing herbal or regular medication, and I am knocked out for days instead of six to twelve hours.

I had to turn to meditation. At 19 and 20, I began my journey. Mindfulness, metta, vanessa. I studied many books on meditation through my early 20s. They never felt right, but I believed in the principles. So I created my own meditative process. A cross between language and visualization. Guided them to connect to my nervous system, opened a manual door to my subconscious and slowly weaved a process I could initiate at will.

It heavily leans into Synesthesia.

All so I could have basic quality of life. I did this because I wanted to be with people. I wanted to be myself. Be free. Be as my online identity. Clacahan.

My real name is no secret. I just like the feel of the identity. It triggers my sound sense and speaks to me. As my inner world. Of who I really am. Who people have missed because its inside of me. Not without.

Back to the title of this post. Clarity.

I am a person who loves people. Now that anger is simmered down, I am centered, or more realistically in touch with my inner being, I am guiding the ship.

I have learned that programming, writing, art is because I love people. I love humanity. I love our potential as human beings.

I love to laugh. I love fantasy. I love cinematic worlds. Filled with 3d. I like games. I like to be deadly serious, contemplative and mucking through deep waters. All of these things have been with me. And for a while, they were suppressed. Ten to twelve years of sickness. I am recovering now. Healing as a person.

When I write, I am human. When I create, I am connected to being human. I am adding to the social network that we as humans created.

It is with this mind I understand. What I am.

I am still an introvert. I am still people shy. I react poorly to social pressure in any form. Yet I love people. I love who we are.

This takes the pressure from me and connects with joy. Because I am part of this world, and I enjoy this world, and I will add to its layers. No need for fear. No need to despair of potential failure. Because creative work is for beauty and imperfection all in one.

I had a lot of fun coding yesterday. At this point, I can sit at my desk for one hour before my legs swell. For the last four months, I could not sit at my desk. I want to create videos, I wanted to try game development, I wanted to write books. I will always hope that my health is almost at the first threshold, where I can work uninterrupted and I really feel hopeful, because its constantly getting better. 

This sort of recovery has no history, so I am really watching the horizon as I travel. Hoping for harbor to be soon arriving. I am losing weight. I have lost 50 pounds. I have strictly ate home cooked meals for four months. I walk four times a week. I am getting stronger. My body is actually moving, changing and getting better. This gives me assurance. Just when? When, when, when? 

My sickness started as energy depletion and stability in my emotions. Then five years ago, it went completely physical. Until I was in the chair stuck. Reversing course takes time. Healing is very painful. The physical illness is now named, and I know what and how its treated.

There are others health problems that I suspect is connected to what happened to me. I have appointments setup that I am waiting to get into. All for quality of life. 

I am glad for my family. Because they are mine forever. We will be together for Eternity. And they are the center of my focus.