asynchronous

I am learning. My love for myself maturing. It is not self-absorption, or arrogance. It's just love. How can you love someone more unless you love yourself more? When the world is a mirror, where one cannot not improve without the other, loving yourself is not selfish. How can you love yourself more if you do not love others? It is one in the same. Anger deteriorates. Bitterness holds back. And I am still struggling with these things. Yet with compassion, I am on the road to extend care for all the connections that we share. Indeed. Love is not about a crystal case with sparkling clothes. It is simply a way of life. That is sweet as our summer gradually turns and rolls into fall. Some falls arrive in September. Some are much different.

I am not scared of the fall. Not this year.

As my life is changing.

I wanted to write the spark of realization. Actualization. A couple weeks ago, I explored Rust Tokio. And learned a little about what the Rust language provides, and what Tokio completes. They bind together.

Today. I got up, did my routine, and got on the computer. I got a feeling to look at Deno again. And then I went in chatted with AI while reading through the documentation. Of course I saw async within typescript. And the sound sense file of Tokio pulled up and I continued my line of thought there. I pick up the thoughts what I was learning before. Then, like nerves singing with me, I realized something right in front of me. 

Unless, I am completely absorbed in the task, hyperfocusing for days, my thoughts are very much dominated by my Synesthesia. It is a huge flow of my own mind. In fact, going on the computer, and writing is a huge relief for me. 

Because all the files sound to what I am working on, and I am, for once directing the symphony. 

When I couldn't move much, I was preforming gymnastics in my own mind, experimenting like crazy, as I need to be in motion. Without motion I am the receiver of such bad motion. The flow scrapes as icy winds, or hot sands, and twigs snag at me. 

When I move, I am one with the rising storm. I am the conductor. 

When I am chair bound, or depression stalls me, I am prisoner to my own energy. The hunt is a delirious dream. In fact, those years sick, taught me to sit and watch myself. And learn to navigate as both the person and the observer watching the person. And then both be a person of my genetics and creator of my own life. The compiler that is compiled with its own language. The language that modifies itself. With new syntax formed of the old language.

Words are formed.

The generations in the genealogy. Tracing as history forms. That is my time sense. I know how I thought, perhaps not always the words of thoughts, but how I saw, felt and sensed the world at any given age. My synesthesia pulls up the file. And I can learn what I didn't know back then. I can track, modify and reassert control. As I know when I drifted. When information manipulates me. When I have become angry. When the world warps the pain. 

It may take years to correct, or mere seconds to snap perception back. But I will not forget. 

Choices do have consequences. No matter if I remember or not. And I will do well to remember the lessons I learned with my own mistakes, being mistreated by others and examples I have learned through words and reading. I am still on the path of self-mastery. 

I am not everything. I am one slice of humanity's capabilities. I have role. A purpose. And drive to do my best. 

I am a person. With emotions, feelings, insecurities. And. I can very much be damaged, and hurt. 

So what? So what if a person can end me. So what if my words may be stricken away. I will still write. I will still focus on self-improvement. I will continue to be myself. Independent of recognition or metrics placed upon me. I am going to push and pull. Learn and grow. Most of all. Live to my faith. Live to what I believe God wants me to be. And one of those things is to be compassionate. Loving. And forgiving. A work in progress. 

Yet I will not stop. I will continue to seek, desire and change. As I reflect the greatest mirror of all. Mortality is not a place to be ashamed. Its a place to embrace. And use your agency. No one needs to be perfect. No one is without anger. No one has the ability to completely forgive their enemies. Thank goodness, we do not need to be alone in this journey.

We have each other. We have our varied beliefs. We have opportunities to work together. I like to work with various people on one goal. To work together, with different viewpoints and ideals, to create a technology that helps everyone. To improve infrastructure, instill universal standards and lower the barrier of entry. We have a rich tapestry within local and global scope. As every realm, kingdoms, groups and communities, all have their varieties and gifts. Their own language and words. Their own meaning. 

Words have specific meaning for me. And the threads that communicate. I may believe in what I believe. But so what? 

Building together is very much fun. This is what I aspire to. If learning to love, forgive and have compassion towards others, enables me to work with varieties of groups, with their own ideals? Then sign me up. 

As of right now, I am probably not there yet. However, the foundations are set. Perhaps, my life will reach its lifespan, and I will never make it to such a dream. Again. So what? 

I care and love what I do. What I am building for myself. 

Hopefully one day I can have my own family. And be worthy to be a father. That is the most tender dream of mine. To raise kids to be empowered, girl or boy.  Be respectful of others. To learn ideals and strong values. 

When they reach young adult years, to stand back and be a support.

Back to this moment. I am writing about Async. My mind is very much asynchronous. I can setup my projects and attach it to an concept. I am very much hands on, heavily leaning towards application. When a project is attach to a concept, when my sound sense pulls up the concept, I work on the project to apply the theory. It becomes a binding. To work on the project is to improve the concept, and to learn the concept is to work inside the project. Using the language and words of the projects thread to supercharge my concept advancement. And giving my concept ground to walk on, a tangible realm, for it to grow and strengthen. As learning is done with motion, thought and writing. Reality is very much a place to bind things together. For a time, for eternity or just right now. Threads are everywhere. They have signatures within the negative space, and those standards, can be bound together. In many, many, different configurations and styles. And since I am asynchronous I need to bind to myself. My signature is my sound sense. I take two concepts, the two my sound sense pulls up randomly, and bind them as one. So that one cannot move without the other.

Perhaps I will have many projects, but traction is possible. 

Flow with the tides, man. Flow with the tides. As life is both harnessing, governing and being part of the governing that you are subject to. They don't need to fight, but it can work together. And this is where matter, reality and perception meet. And hands can move. Hands may write. Hands may move with eye coordination.