Formation

Formation. Formation. Formation. Formation. Formation.

Layers. Layers. Layers. Layers. Layers. Layers. Layers.

-------> ------> -----> ---> --> -> >

Cycles a + b, ababababababab

:D D:

-------> In out <------ Out in

Cycles again. People. Social. Heard, seen, music. Time.

Its all a mess. Breaaathe. The doubt held back. Health first. Mind as its companion. Mental, physical, journey. Journey within the same geographic location. I will. May I? Figure things. Fight.

Rewind time. Its May 2026.

First week. Stress latched on. I crumbled. I rejected. I fought as breathing choked off. I knew I was done.

Week 1, week 3, week 4.

Week 1: Checked out. Crying. Suffering. As eight months of bad months, took its toll.

Week 2: I began again. Thought experiments. Imagined writing my thoughts through characters. Surprising clarity. Possible solution?

Week 3: Upcoming stress, snapped me. I cried. I fell apart.

Week 4: I finally started reading again. I relaxed for two weeks. Non stop reading. As the emotional turmoil cooled.

During this week I felt strong clarity while praying. I knew what I needed to let go, and what to embrace. This required a new form of trust. My mind and spirit needed to accept this while my body sought strength. After years of struggling, some things I wanted to hold as my own, was let go. In its place was my family and Heavenly Father. I could not succeed without others. So everything was a duality, my own gifts as a person with unique talents, yet I will rely on others. And understanding that to succeed is to yield. And lean upon my strengths. I know that giving and receiving is many things, but I can give my best efforts in love and light. Then leave the rest to the Lord.

June came.

I worked on letting go these issues as time and effort required me to practice. So I did. However I always am active. My mind has always been ahead of my physical strength. I cannot stop even if I wanted to. That is why reading allows me to relax as it keeps me in motion while preventing the trauma from sticking. As the story caresses my attention, and when my sound sense pulls up files from reading phrases, the story yanks me back. Flashbacks barely start before collapsing. However, I am ambitious, and the temptation to escape cannot last long. I have set my mind to a life I want, and as the hunter, I cannot give up. That is why it takes me months to finish video games. I will play then leave as the call of greater weight beckons me to finish. The call to change, to conform the shape or to expand, is what flows as the yin to yang as I seek my ambitions. I am stubborn yet flexible. I will adapt. While still accepting my rigid personality. Harmony. ADHD and Autism. Sound, Time, Mirror. The elements that I yank and what I am beholden to. Governance is first integration, refinement then direction. It is mastery while being equals. It is knowledge and experiencing formation. Of wisdom. Then formation becomes binding. More of that later. In time, through multiple posts here.

During the second week of June I started assigning symbols to my three synesthesia, but before I finished them, I felt something. A direction to imagine something within the concept I was forming.

Negative space. The idea of the void, the space between concepts. Now. I do not take these symbols literally rather they are art to form my mind. To capture both emotion and logic and simplify complexity and compress it down. This is what "negative space" is. Just an visual aid to grab everything I was learning both in this moment and the past before it, then compress and polish a process. Negative space is what the absence of formation. Imagine planets in space, but instead of space, it is void. Negative space. An inverse of what is there. The in between lines of the in between text. When two concepts exist, there is more negative space. It is what structure leaves behind. As more concepts form, like a repeating decimal, or a galaxy spiral, more space is created. As nothing is truly solid. But gradually formed into solid lines from repeated steps. The more you add the more pockets form between things. As the ratio preserves itself.

Once I wrote these things in my journal, I went back to creating symbols for my three senses. Sound was a ball being compressed until it could not be compressed anymore. As I continue to compress the size grows. Within the concept itself there is no negative space, but beside it or around the concept there is. Hence why I "image them" as spheres. A polished gem or pearl. Compressed. And as the compression is polished sound resonates. The key is signature. More about signature.

Why do I do these things? With writing, you use symbols as a form of communication. As I am writing to myself, these visual aids is communicating to my subconscious to turn abstract things into tangible senses that I can understand. And since art is emotional this how I can hone in both structure and process into a emotional zone. Or merge art and technical together. If the art is close to the real thing, or follows rules that can compile down, then its incredibly powerful. Math is the same. 

You can take anything, merge them into symbols within math, hook them up to theorems or pass rule sets, and ensuring the structure can translate back to reality, then you can calculate with math through symbols. In programming, its the same concept. The more operators you bring to the concept, the more you can compile, then change back to affect reality through computers or informed movements. Every operator, as I have been learning, has theorems that each concept must pass. If you can create the structure of the concept to match with the theorem, and still be accurate when translated, you can add a crap ton of mathematical operators and different disciplines to the concept. While creating symbols for myself, and my subconscious, is not math or passing these particular math theorems, I am both helping myself overcome mental challenges and learning how to create symbols to match and bind with structure. 

That will go into skill set of being a writer. As writing is heavily pattern based, which means math is a pillar of language. And learning from math has connection to learning other aspect of symbols and writing. Just as much other concepts outside of math helps us understand more math. Yin and Yang.

Cycles flow. Cycles grow.

They heavily flow into each other. Like currents and seasons. And the process of learning. Which leads to the next symbol. 

For the symbol of time, I have used the sphere again, as the planets rotate. Time flows. Each degree within the planet holds a symbol, and as I rotate, I maintain the ratio. I flow between yin and yang to each degree as a check mark. Like clicking of a kitchen timer. The pre digital timer. And it will click as it moves. Then I wind back to find myself to a different rotation. Click, and gears. Combining spheres is adding knobs to a music production studio. You turn the knob for bass, for EQ, ptich, ambiance and echo. Every knob changes the stream of energy, redefining the flow. As time moves. The planets, the spheres, circles, all move to their movements. In order, in rotation. Seasons.

Imagine a person walking. One knob controls the scalar of vertical, and the other controls the horizontal. You turn the knob a certain click to different position to change how far the person is walking up. And through a feeling you control the other knob and change how fast the person is moving horizontal. A diagonal line forms then falls off as it curves upon itself. Collapsing as the spiral forms then straightens and changes rotation. Vertical, horizontal, combined together and rotated provides many patterns to follow.

However the spheres, or knobs, can each hold a word. Or capture a state. You use rotation to move. Each degree is hold a transition to another. And combining these gears across an array, enables different encodings.

Finally mirror is the symbol for emapth. It reflects and combines two halves and what is shared or connects. It is personification to objects, and empathy with human beings. As ascribing attributes to objects activates mirroring, and then training that within structure, enables mirror to give back a signal between two objects I imagine within my mind. From here I finish June. 

I hit fourth of July, then finally after the 15th of July passes, my health drastically improves. I finally hit a threshold.

I was shocked about the sudden change. I began to be able to sit at the computer for multiple hours, and I started improving my coding skills. The four to six hours at the computer became a balm to the last eight months. It sweetened the moments, and brought meaning to my struggles. I am still processing with this change. I am still dealing with the trauma that sparks up. I have cried while writing at the computer a few times as bitterness mixes with relief. After years. It is here. My life is moving. I am actually moving. Which for the other side of me. The intense emotional half of myself. I will save that for another post.