Stasis Clock

I am in the chair falling asleep. It feels both incredibly helpful and miserable at the same time. Yesterday created a ripple. In one branch is the helpfulness of having better spaces. A clean room that will lower my global stress. Making all life avenues a little cleaner. The other cascading effect is today. My body hurts a lot. My neck stiff to the point I couldn't turn left or right. Now I have some ability to move. Just not around. I can write here. Thank goodness. I am getting antsy. And the past wants to rush at me. I am like that kid whistling in the ally way. Thinking of the wonderful smells, but the wolves lurk in the dark. Blinking. Smiling with teeth that absorb the light. Shadows. I put music on, think creative thoughts and hopefully float past the workings of my mind. These mechanism that try to be helpful, but are really just clogging my mind. Making me gag inside. My subconscious sees me staying still, and says, "hey! Let's work through some trauma. Here you...

Woke up. Iced my back. Yesterday I stretched further. Pushing my walking time more. Enabling better growth. And man, it felt good. This was no price tag. It was investment. Greater flow, greater control. However. Asthma. Yeah it was air quality issues. The State I live in is struggling with pollution, wild fires and other assortment of reasons. The air used to be fine. No breathing problems. I grew up in the Evergreen State. And allergies caused hell for me between April and late July. Moved away. For eight years, barely two weeks of itchy eyes and breathing problems. Two weeks out of the whole year. This being late May and early June. Now the whole routine has changed. Fall, Spring and Summer I have daily breathing issues. Winter is still difficult, but for some reason the air feels a little better. Hmmm. I wonder if this would make a great Raspberry Pi project. I have a couple in my office and I been looking for a use for them.  I'm writing as I think here. This is a good idea. I...

I mentioned this in my last post:  Removing Obstacles "Software is more than just logic. It is meaning as well. It tells a story layer by layer. It claims logic, inhabits the house of binary, and then feeds diversity into foundational walls. Layer by layer. Imagination links up with rules. From 1s and 0s to the calling function of "fire_weapon()". We tell a story. Slowly. Gently. Guiding the strands and transforming them to be more human. More intelligent. Weaving the strand with other strands. A silky web. Then the net is pulled and sounds rings off of every section. Music at connected points. Notarized in their notes, and words are encoded. Ideas focused by the reality of binary limitations." And that was written before I coded in the same evening. I wrote down that blog post as an record for myself. I vented my past, to clear the air from my eyes, and then wrote what I wanted to do. That night I recreated the project I did previously. Instead of git branch, I cho...

3D-Printing. Software based, but requires manual intervention. What I mean is tinkering with the knobs, oiling the mechanics and testing for warped surfaces. Which is fine. I enjoy fixing problems. However, this has a intersection with my past. Being suppressed. I am autistic. And the way I learn is different. The way I feel is divergent. But I am capable of learning these skills. Yet I have been denied the opportunity to learn. By those close to me. They always put me on the sidelines. I would walk up and ask to be given a chance. To reach out and tinker. Learn for myself these skills. For some twisted reason they denied me. Nobody knew I had autism. I went my whole life thinking I was neurotypical. Yet they instinctively treated me like a scourge. Enabling other family members to take part and learn with their hands, but I was rejected. It infuriated me. I love to learn. I love to learn and earn new skills. I was told it was because I was young and others were older. False. I grew up...

Its time. Well midnight is fast approaching. And I just did another round of coding. I love the feeling of being an agent. Making choices. Freeing. Freedom. I did end up taking that walk. Another quick pace in the end of summer. Ha ha. A quick pace for a guy who is losing weight. And I am losing weight. Five out of seven days I walk. There has to be rest. I may have a long cooking session on my off day. Anyways the sun is beautiful in the sky. Evening gleam upon the dry grass. Little stalks of weeds, which I think is another grass type, floats by a particular bench. I have allergies, so I am not going to sit there. Its a marker though. I walk by and listen into the swaying stalks. Looking at the fuzzy bits. Trying not to sneeze but memorized by the patterns upon their spine. Repeated patterns and altered patterns to create green cells. And then the life right in front of me. I got back home. I listened to a book while I cooked dinner. Home made enchiladas. I didn't have enough tort...

Everything has patterns. Yep. That includes me. Before I couldn't have patterns. My sickness made life unpredictable. Now that I can have patterns, something I yearned for, I need to adjust to it. Like getting enough oxygen for the first time. It can be unsettling. Having my own autism means that routine changes, even if they are what I want, takes a grace period. It gets rough for a few weeks. Then once the pattern feels real and safe, and it stabilizes, my brain stops screaming at me. I have made a lot of changes recently. Rocket fuel here. I just ripped it all off and let the flames commenced. It burned hot for a while, but strides have been made, and I think my emotions are starting to calm. There are many other things I want to change, but I can only handle so much. I yearn greatly for change. To improve my situation. To remove bad influences off my life. They take time, and I need to be patient. Ugh. Patience. That has been my chewing gum that is very old by now. Where else a...