Stasis Clock

Henry looked at his hands. Each finger bleeding as sharpened metal struck his blood. His eyes watered. Mouth heaving as his fuzzy beard gleamed in the sun. Lacking some oxygene, he looked down. A big awkward rock carried a bent ore. The metal all twisted as he tried smashing it with a rock. The warm fire to the left died down with the day. Embers briefly welcoming the door creeking in the wind. "Well. Good luck with that" Sarah said. Her eyes both pity and disdain. Really just indifference. Her own demeanor screamed of self assuredy of whom she judged. "Yeah. Thanks. I know I am blacksmith. I just need to make the tools" Henry truthfully and honestly said. Her eye twitched and the sneer grew. Girls behind her grabbed her arm. Pulling Sarah away. She twirled around and walked gracefully away. Outside, Henry heard the faint whispers. "That guy is one of those men." One girl said. "No. All men really. Just what kind of weirdo is in there?" Another o...

I call it Time Reel or Reel. The symbol is the movie reel. Have you ever seen the movie "Harry and the Hendersons?" Or "The Apple Dumpling Gang?" Yes. When I think of the movie reel, I see myself walking in a movie theater during years before me and watching the film. Time and Space have very different meanings for a mind like mine. It's weird, and without careful study, how would I know my perception is different? If you don't like cake, then just say, "I don't like cake." No one cares if you prefer chocolate or coconut. We don't discuss topics like these as they are easily mistaken as tomato tomahto. Yet the consequences do hurt. They mean something. They mean a whole world to someone who is different. Time-Space.  The series of time films running in parallel. Every movie theater playing version of events. Space is trapped in the timeline. In this world, spatial coordinates do not exist. They only live in one moment in time. Like a movie ...

Transition is another piece to the process.  The cycle of Yin and Yang is where Thursday night took me. I investigated the symbols of Tiger and Phoenix in various places. Since the topic didn't need to be 100% accurate, I chatted with AI about these symbols. The conversation was very casual, and I learned something new. It was about the four logics or four elements. The standard two logics: True False The other duality: Both Neither When I focused on saying "its neither that or this" and "its both x and y" my sound sense pulled up a memory. Back in November I got into Jazz. I listened to a song called "Take Five" by Dave Brubeck.  For some reason the song calmed my crazy mind. I wanted to know why. Is there some deep secret to this song that I could find in other ways? Let's say writing? Drawing? Gaming? My instincts were telling me it was the odd rhythm. The collapsing rhythm felt so relaxing. Soothing my sensory. In some cases completely quieting...

Start over. I wrote this post once, and my writing turned into a rant. My gut has been hurting for several days now, and I am losing patience with the irritation. Over the months I have tuned my diet. I have eliminated ice creams and shake. Reduced to minimal salt intake. I started removing the cheese off at restaurants and fast foods. Went to mostly home cook meals and simple take out. Now I am two months without any sort of junk food. Purely home cooked meals and store bought items. Never in my life has my health been better. Despite the high weight levels and health problems. The foundations are sturdy, and they are only getting reliable. I try not to rant here. I may express my frustrations and trauma, but I want the writing to remind me of hope. There are many good things to be grateful for. My rants live in my journal, and even there I try to not to go too crazy. I save my most negative voice when I cry and let it all out. There are different avenues to process events, and I am a...

Let the machine talk. Obtain feedback from people. Ok. I have been thinking a lot. No surprise there. As a coder, my preference style changes the game. All the rules made for the standard programmer needs translation. To move closer to my dream, the rules are played differently. I can do any sort of software development I am interested in. Sometimes that means a little investigative work to match technical manifesto with emotional preference. I have been cleaning up house for the last four to five months. Every iteration or revision to my techniques, cleans up the major highways to allow the water to flow over. Energy springing into action. More of the muck and debris are swept away. The more it all flows, the finer the process and the greater confidence I have in my own actions. When I learned about being proactive with the problem space, with me creating my own map of the environment, this initiated a rapid inner-dialogue of why creating problem space works. Writing is about creating...

That is all it took. Ten minutes of experimenting with JSON. I was surprised that my first guess brought a solution to this struggle I am having. By creating a sketch, or quick structure within JSON, I feel better. My mind started separating information that was previously clogged. I can see the divide between parsing the markdown document and then how to structure that data to be easily accessed and read for the other part of my software. Even how I can easily update or change the contents of the markdown through the JSON format. Then finally translating that JSON file back into the markdown format. My mind was struggling from removing ambiguity to my thought process. Honestly I had to fight an undercurrent of self-doubt. This is not the first time I encountered this mental hang up. Now with immediate feedback that changing the problem space works I will continue to shape and redefine the problem.

"Begin Again" that song I mentioned. You know. There are clues everywhere. You could spend time staring at a mountain and learn something universal. Not that I am recommending finding your local mountain and stare at for hours until the sun sets. No. What I am really saying there could be a time when you are walking, hiking or driving, then you glance at your local mountain and realize something. This mountain, in this moment, has something that is spiritual in nature, and it is a testament to something eternal. A epiphany for your life occurs. One tear falling down your face for the saving grace. The darkness is held back for a few more seconds. For right now, I remember that this life is good. Hopefully I can find more light in another moment. Life shares simple concepts. They are composed together. Combined and refined. They branch out into different materials. Truly reality is ever consistently common. The beautiful waterfalls echo with the rocks. The birds chirp while th...

Ah, I love learning. Especially when my learning is directed by need or momentum. This makes the progress more rewarding, and very meaningful. My new emphasis of beginnings is a gift that is always there. Consistent, dependable and simple. I haven't coded yet. Because last night I began listening to a book, and then I continued listening today. You may have heard of it. "The Pragmatic Programmer: Your journey to mastery, 20th Anniversary Edition" by David Thomas and by Andrew Hunt. Great book. "The Pragmatic Programmer" book is what I need right now in my software journey. As my emotion and mental attitudes align up with flow, I need more technical mastery to go with that flow, and this book seems to fit the bill. I went to purchase the book yesterday, but then I saw Amazon letting me know I already have the audio version. Huh. Didn't remember buying it. Then I opened the audio book and began listening. Ah right. I do remember listening to this book three ye...

To be authentic is never easy. To be vulnerable from and after humble beginnings. Yet your growth is personal, lean and rewarding. I have been vulnerable. I have taken time to think. I do not regret stumbling. Life is no season. Its just there. The wind gently pulling on your face. The sun rising every morning. I have made the stupidest cliche mistakes. I even saw dozens of movies showcasing, and I swore, I would never make those mistakes. Yet I did. And I might even still. Is cliche a stereotype? If I make the stupid mistake of being stupid, does that make me one dimensional? Bound to a class? No way, man. Not even close. I am growing person. Pushing the boundaries. Clipping the old so I may become something better. I embraced the symbol of the phoenix because I reinvent. Burn, revive and change. The magenta tiger is my fiery blood pumping across the ethereal side. Temporary boost biding my study of the chase. It will stop at nothing for the hunt. Through the jungle, after the prey an...

I started working on variance. This time it didn't feel like I was trying to rewrite the world. My own mindscape happily accepted the new input. Emotions, experiences and logic all mash together. This giant web that only is whispered about and faintly heard. Until the web snags and is real.  When humans go through rough time, sandpaper, rocks and crystal mineral digging in, there may be some growth. When injury happens, it may be exerted effort to greater health. Or the bones may be smashed and struck limp. Not all are permanent future scars. Trauma has a habit of painting every experience. The greatest thing I found is to rely on both prayer and to keep pushing my hand against the thin membrane. The coating that dulls the eyes. Cataracts milk white. Getting the evening tide is not elegant, nor am I faking. Cultivating a new regime takes time. It takes patience. Blatant desire to be true to what the everlasting song is. An everlasting well where joy never ends. My hope in refinemen...

I got home from the blood lab. Got some test drawn in preparation for my next appointment. Returned home. Fell asleep. Now that I woke up. Its a little into the evening. Before my nap, I thought about what I wrote. Discussing with my mother about what I am learning. This helps me. It broadens my thinking and deepens everything. I got up. Booted my server and then turned on my PC. Again. I ssh into my server. I opened up my markdown project. From my discussion earlier, where my mom just sat and listen to me pretty much give a small lecture, bless her golden heart, I realized I needed to go smaller. Yes. I thought I broke my project modules down. Still. I was thinking too big. Thankfully in the world of symbols less is more. Build small potent symbols and then reuse them. A lot of times. In different contexts, situations and configurations. Assemble a certain combination create a snapshot. Then that becomes a new building block. Reuse the module heavily and in conjunction with the previo...

When working though life, you find yourself as you are. More self-awareness leads to both change and acceptance. There are constraints I must work through. They are both gravity and resistance. Some might say gravity is resistance. And it is, but I see it as a natural force. Giving possibility or signal in a noisy place. And man. I do have resistance. A while ago, I wrote about writing in a file, hit save and then open a new file and do the same problem in a different way. Through all the stress through sickness, I lost track of that. And now when my mind about fried me last night, I eventually was reminded of this. The movie "Robots" that starred Robin Williams did not miss the point about need. When there is a need, there is a place to fill with something new. Or innovate. When I found my mind going crazy because I was stuck in the chair with nerve pain and swelling combined with months of low consistency in schedule, I prayed. My mother prayed. My Dad wrapped his arms arou...

I wrote the last post this morning after going through another bout of sickness. It pained me to have work halted again. And everything felt empty. Hopeless. Desolate and despair. What was I missing? I kept on thinking of my coding two days ago. It was fulfilling in the moment. Sort of in a halfway feeling. Sort of. Sort of not. I am missing that blanket of fulfillment. Sacredness.  Valuing ones own efforts. Cherishing your memories. That is another piece I am missing. Its probably why writing here or sharing my work to the world feels good. The fact that I am broadcasting rather explicitly sharing to others makes me feel like myself. I feel part of my world. I feel like I exist. Its a reminder not to shut up. Not to hide what I am doing. This journey will take many pieces to fill up. Then eventually they will combine into key pillars. Those pillars will become the concrete in my heart. Reinforcing everything. Its safe to say I was pipen freakin mad yesterday. I can see my own time...

How many days? Since I last wrote. I lost count. To keep sacred. Is to keep my work and records sacred. Its not the highs that create the love. The sacredness of what you do. Keep it. Cherish it. And safeguard. When sickness comes, cherish your work. Keep it deep inside. Cherish is the liver and the guts. The pancreas and the kidneys. They keep sacred by feeding and separating. My work is sacred. My failures. My follies. The people who have hurt me have attacked my confidence in those things. Never let them. Your life is sacred. Your achievements. Your goals. Do not let anyone defile them. As the moon tides flow they circle around. They do matter. As well as the code you write. The writings you write. The people who don’t respect it are not worth agonizing over. It is not about being right or being better. It is about sanity. In being a human being.